Month: November 2019

The Defiant Child-Redefined

OMG, nothing brings out our bad parenting mood like The Defiant Child.  For a diagnosis, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual-5 goes with the formal title of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (used for the far end of the defiant spectrum).  But, simply put,  the defiant child  has a knee jerk negative reactions to your every request:


Daily Defiance

“Get in the car. We are going to be late for school!”  “IN A MINUTE, MOM! (with eye roll)”

“You need to pick up your toys in the den.”  “Not NOW!!”

“Go get your dirty clothes, I am doing laundry.”  “No”

“Get in here right now!”  (crickets chirping)

“You forgot to brush your teeth, go brush them.”  “YOU ARE ALWAYS BUGGING MEEEE!”


We are busy enough.  We don’t have time for the no’s, the in a minute’s, the silent refusals, or simply ignoring us.  It brings out our parental ogre. We feel it reflects badly on us as parents. And we take defiance very personally.

But maybe we shouldn’t.        

Ross Greene (author of The Explosive Child) has said, “Children will do well if they can.”  That is not just for the explosive child.  It likely often holds for the defiant child as well.  Maybe we need to look under the surface of defiance and consider the reasons this behavior is occurring.  Once we understand the reasons, then we can get to strategies that may work.

Some Reasons Your Child Resists

Attention Deficit Disorder with Hyperactivity (ADHD)-This child cannot control his attention. It controls him.  He cannot put down the video game to get in the car.  He just can’t because he does not know how to shift his attention to something important to someone else.

Medication side effects-for the child with asthma or allergies who is prescribed multiple medications (or even one), check the side effects.  Agitation, irritability, anxiety and trouble sleeping are common.  So your irritable, over-tired child is defiant.  Poor kid.

Auditory processing problems-The child with auditory processing problems may not hear you in group situations where lots of people are talking.  Or they may not understand you if you have shouted out from another room.

Sensory processing disorder-This one is exhausted after a long school day and then had a scout meeting and dinner is still being prepped.  She is beyond being helpful at this point.  On the weekend, she may just want to vegetate in her quiet room (finally).

Stress-Children with learning disabilities are under stress trying to cope with the day.  Some kids are being bullied.  Some kids with autism spectrum disorder are constantly trying to figure out the ever-shifting social expectations.  Stress does not make any of us cope better.  Once home, many feel safe refusing parents because, well, their parents will love them anyway.

And these are just a few of the issues that can contribute to defiance.

Strategy, Strategy, Strategy

Strategies to reduce defiance will vary by the challenge the child faces and the task being requested.

The child with ADHD needs a regular routine (that is agreed upon before hand)  for tasks, as well as a parent who understands this child does not control his attention well enough to transition easily.

The child who is anxious or irritable or did not sleep well due to her asthma meds may need fewer demands while alternative medications, dosing, or timing of doses are being explored.

The child with auditory processing problems will need directions given face to face in a calm voice to ensure good processing.  One more extra step in a busy day, but hey, it beats yelling in frustration and creating low self-esteem.

The child with sensory processing disorder may need chores or tasks done in the morning when they are fresh or after some sensory exercises.  A calm, not overly busy, after school schedule may also help.

The child under stress due to spending the day at school battling through with a learning disability may need a break from demands and a more carefully arranged set of demands.

So try to meet your child where he or she is.  See if that helps.

And, of course,  there is some defiance that is in a league of its own.  Kids with a history of trauma (think adopted after abandonment as an example) are capable of bringing a level of defiance that will simply need professional support.  They want desperately to be loved, but may not think they are worthy of it or may want to find the limits of the love being given.

And teenagers.  The defiant teen can be legendary.  It is an age of striving for independence.  Many teens think they cannot be grown up without refusing the parenting they are given.   If you add ADHD, learning disability, stress, depression or anxiety on top of the normal defiance, a parent may again benefit from some professional help to navigate those years.

So, lets re-define defiance.  It is not bad parenting or a bad kid.  It is a child trying to cope, but doing so in the wrong way.  What can we change to make it easier for them (and us) and how can we help this child eventually meet the usual expectations?

There can be a lot of reasons simmering under the surface.   Child Decoded is here to help you find them and support your child is being his best.


A little story about big emotions-shame

oh, the horrors of my actions
Oh, what have I done!

The Queen (my daughter) had big emotions in a little body.  She was called the Queen in part because of this (and in part because her high muscle tone gave her a rather regal bearing).  She was not like the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland. Her big feelings were not directed in anger at others.  There was no “OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!  aggression either physical or verbal.  But all of her emotions ran strong and the negative emotions were certainly more problematic than her positive ones (her over-excitement was rather cute for everyone).  Her emotions, though, often ruled the day.  If she found some event anxiety producing, there would be no talking her through, so that event was over for us.

But this story is not about anxiety, but a somewhat related emotion – shame.

Shame is an emotion, of course, but not one we like to think about often.  No one likes to feel ashamed.  I think we would pick anxiety, anger, or even fear over shame if we had a choice.  Shame is so personal.  When we feel anger, we are not liking someone else’s behavior.  When we feel shame, we do not like ourselves.

For children who feel their emotions strongly, shame is a very hard emotion to deal with.

They may become:

  • angry at the person who made them feel ashamed
  • immobilized by the feeling
  • inconsolable about their mistake (really fun in public)

So this is a little story of helping the Queen cope with shame.

The Queen was probably six years old when this happened.  She was a science geek and really into bugs at this stage of her life.  This resulted in having a bin of live bugs in my front room (because I do support the sciences).  The Queen, who was fearful about balloons (they might pop, you know), was fearless about bugs and collected them easily.  There were a variety of beetles and centipede type bugs who seemed to tolerate each other well  . . . living in a small aquarium . . . . on the coffee table . . . in my front room.

It was Saturday afternoon after errands.  I was cleaning up in a back room when I heard a thud, a particular kind of thud.  Upon reflection, I realized this was the sound of a bug bin hitting the floor.  I hurried to the front room (small house, not far) and saw the aquarium on the floor on its side.  Stunned beetles and centipedes had not yet recovered from their trip.  No one else was in the room.

I shouted, “I need a broom!” (not wanting to take my eyes off the scene and risk losing a largish beetle in my house).  A little figure whipped past me (from some hiding place in her room) to the kitchen reciting the mantra I had taught her, “No problem is too big! No problem is too big!”  She grabbed the broom and we quickly scooped the stunned creatures, their rocks, their sand, and their snacks back into their temporary home.  Whoo!

I looked at the Queen and asked, “What happened?!?”

She looked back and said (pretty quickly), “Leprechauns did it.”

“We are nowhere near St. Patrick’s Day, so I don’t think it was leprechauns.”

Her second try, “The bugs did it.”

“You mean to tell me that the bugs engineered their own escape by somehow pushing the bin off the coffee table?”

Silent stare.

That was her story and she was sticking with it.

In a moment of inspiration (lucky shot that day), I asked, “Do you want to hear the five mistakes I made today?”

Breathless response, “Yes”

“When I was unpacking groceries, I threw the loaf of bread on the counter and the bag cooked to the side of my new toaster oven.       When I pulled the bag away, the bread spilled into the sink and ruined most of the loaf.  It was expensive gluten-free bread.      When I was cleaning that up, I knocked over a wine glass (that I should have washed out last night), spilling wine on my favorite jeans.    And I broke the wine glass!

Did you make any mistakes today?”

Relieved look on her face, “I tipped over the bug bin.”

“Well, you are going to need at least four more mistakes today to even start catching up with me.”

And that was the end of that story.  There was no need for punishment.  It was an accident. I did not even feel there was need for an apology.  We cleaned it up pretty quickly and seemed to have found all the bugs (I kept count in those days).

scolding won't help
Scolding does not reduce shame

But it turned into a nice opportunity for a little life lesson.

For her – We all make mistakes.  And (hardly believable to her) life goes on.


For me – Distracting her from her strong emotions and giving her some perspective with my own mistakes had brought both relief and the ability to say what had actually happened . . . and to move on (the BEST part of all for parents trying to quell those strong emotions).

Of course, for the next several years (at least six years, I swear), every time shame raised its ugly head in her world, I was asked (through her tears) to recount EVERY mistake I had EVER made in my ENTIRE life.  This included her favorite – The time when I was 12 years old and called my mother stupid.  My mother is a wonderful person and the Queen is still in awe that I could make such an awful mistake.  Any mistake she has made pales in comparison.

And I survived my shame, so she will survive hers.